A year later

What can I say? Too much, too little time. One thing really strikes out though: this was a year of loss and sadness. It was sad even during the time of false hope, when I thought I was on my way to somehow making something work at O&Bstan, I remember vividly the awkwardness of A-town with S., awkward because both of us were preoccuppied despite the jokes. There was something bugging us both, and its as if I could sense the sadness that would come after the losses even before I knew what it was I would lose, or that I stood to lose anything at all. Almost like feeling the barometer drop. It seems so clear now, though then I didn't really understand it.

I gave away so much this year. I ended, closed, walked away from so much. Yes, I did lay the groundwork for a lot, and did a lot of good things, and am headed towards better things for certain. Hell, I think I might even be able to be happy now and then, and I do not exxagerate when I say i don't recall the last time I felt that. Pleased yes, amused yes, content even, But happy? But even knowing all that, this year was a constant series of losses and departures. There's a finality to it that has nothing to do with the number of my age and everything to do with what I did this year, and what I didn't do.

And even in the heart of all that, I tried to fix the problems of people I cared about rather than just listen. Typical.

And of course there was the car. I can't say my life flashed before my eyes, but it did provide a nice bookend to things.

Despite the sadness, part of me doesn't want to let go. Part of me wants to go back one more time and walk the piers with S., back when we didn't know what was to come yet. How rational is that? Even though my life is better now, and looks likely to become better still, I want to go back to a moment when I was drifting and misguided and a little lost.

There's something intrinsic to the flaws of human nature here, I think.

I don't want to close the door on this year. I don't want to close the door. I don't want to. I don't.

Outside, snow falls soflty, counting the seconds with their motion, oblivious to human desire.