Ups & downs

Let's begin with an up; the iBook will soon be replaced. Although I may keep it around until it dies, it will no longer be my primary machine; sometimes next week a new bottom end iMac will arrive. It's only the 2.0 ghz model but that's still faster than this 1.33 ghz model, and i did opt for 2 gigs of ram and a 320 gig HD. What's best, I managed to snag it for free. Yes, my parents have rescued me again. Don't think that i'll get it free though: I still owe them work for various graphics projects, so $1303 / 60 = 21.7 hours. I'm going to start by logging about four hours tomorrow on a graphic design project.

Downs: I won't have a lot of money this summer. This is my first summer of an all MU skoo year. Because of this, my tuition is about a grand more than usual, or in short $4200ish before textbooks. I have to make what some people make in 3 weeks last for 20. It means no real vacations, no major purchasing of goodies, and living tight to the chest. I'm not giving up on vacation ideas though, but whatever they are will need to be damn cheap. This means more or less they have to be close and short and not involve overnights at motels/hotels.

And of course I can't really plan anything at all this summer since I am trying to keep the lines open with O&Bstan. THe Dragon said to call back in 30-60 days, which means mid May. Veep said Summer, which sounds more realistic. Either way, it's possible I could end up employed -- they're certainly not discouraging me! -- and if so, money will be the least of my worries. It would be turning my current life on it's head, and making time the problem. Honestly, I'd welcome that.

Granted, once, I thought changing my environment totally would solve all my problems, and I was horribly wrong. But at least this time, it's just me, and no other complications. And worst case scenario is I return to skoo again, right?

Skoo is a mixed bag. One online class is going to be a slam dunk. Another is becoming a bitch: it has way too much online content to read when I'd rather just spend time studying the book and/or writing papers. I prefer the conventional approach.

But regardless so much is up in the air and so few plans are settled that it's been damn stressful lately. Not Hell come to the surface, but maybe being adrift in a really rough sea with no compass and no sails. I really needed a break. When S. came up to visit from CA, I thought maybe that would help, that would be a mini vacation. And it was nice. A welcome relief from solitude. It was very good to see him.

But vacation? Not really. Fun does not equal relaxation, strangely enough. I'm not sure what really does anymore. Sometimes I long to go someplace quiet and sit and take in the sun and the view. So I go. I blow a lot of gas and go. And then what? I get there, and there's nothing to do. I can only stare at a view for so long. If I take a book, I can never read more than a few paragraphs before everything distracts me. And I'm always looking over my shoulder, since I *don't* have places all to myself, and since the reason I'm never afraid to go places is because I have exits and am aware of my surroundings. (Command of the lay of the land is worth more than any knife or gun.)

And in the end, I leave. I have no purpose to be there. I've repeated this pattern at the coast before, driven all the way out there just to walk on the beach, and do so for all of 20 minutes before I run out of reason to be there. Unless I want to sleep. Motivation seems to sap out of me sometimes.

Anyway, back to skoo. Tonight I took my first night of a class with an instructor I had before, L, a woman who was the main reason I even went to this school, a brilliant and funny person who never ever ever ever bores me. I got there too early. The room was over-hot and stuffy. I couldn't stand it, so I went outside and sat on the porch steps and wrote in a notebook on some story ideas I'm working on, and waited. Eventually, she showed up, and from thirty yards away she sees me as she walks down the sidewalk, and without missing a beat, she says "so we meet again." Instantly, everything felt right. It was so strange. I was smiling again. I was enjoying myself. I wasn't bored even for a second.

Oh, and yes. There is pie in the class. A girl who was in a class with me a few terms back, from Salem, and wooooooooooo. Yeah. I so remember her. My eyes are very happy with their eye candy.

My life is a yo-yo.