Trying not to hope

Not to hope, not to think, not to feel.

Tomorrow I have an interview with the Dragon. I have no reason to believe it will go otherwise than smooth. Yet at the same time I have become so complacent and sucked into my daily routine of nothingness that I have this feeling that when I come home, it'll be like it never happened to begin with.

I need change. Badly.

Some would chalk this up to junior year jitters, but its not. I don't give a damn about college. I go. I take classes. I get A's whenever I really want them, which is most of the time. If I pushed myself hard enough I would have had them in every class. Fuck's sakes man, I have 3.994 GPA. And it comes as easily to me as bullshitting through an evening meeting, or debating with foamtards online.

It means nothing to me.

Two things bring me here. One, I need money. Not because I'm going broke, or want to buy stuff. I need it because I'm tired of being dependent on others. I am tired of living under someone else's roof. I am tired of feeling like I can't stand up on my own. I need to prove to myself most of all that I'm good at something other than spending money. And the Big Red K was not enough to convince me of that.

And the other? The other is I need purpose. Lazing about, popping out stellar homework at the last minute with basically no real "effort", spending my days as a couch potato who can be lazy because yes, I am just that good, why bother? What's the point? And it's all, to coin a pun, academic. I'm jumping through hoops like a show-dog, and at my expense.

I'm not knocking education. But I am at a time at my life where I need something vastly more.

If I don't get the nod. Well I won't know that one way or another for a while anyway. However, its quite possible I'll get nada, and be back to square one. Okay, to be fair, square ten or so. Back where I am today, typing this, at any rate. And I'll be fine. I won't be on the street. I'll still be relatively healthy. Nothing will really be wrong with my life. I'll register for another term of school, and I'll get through it with good grades, and get a bit closer to graduation. I will be fine.

But I really, really, really want this!