Belonging

Last night, I was in a mixture of anger and panic. What caused it wasn't really the reason why, either. But I'll get into that.

I was at my desk, doing lit homework for the first week of class. The previous Thrusday I'd sat through this aforementioned class, and listened to the instructor explain to us things we'd already learned in other classes, but with her spin. That, and her attempt to make us want to read crap like Gertrude Stein. (At least her visual companion, Picasso, you could appreciate in some way. Stein, the verbal version, does nothing but make me dizzy trying to read it. And that's not a joke or exxageration: you try. Take dramamine.)

As I sat with my homework, I knew it was going to be another term of "faking" it. No love, no enthusiasm for these courses. Nope. Just drudging through, talking out my ass, making the teacher think I'm really into it. It's the same kind of bullshitting skills that make me so good in politics. And that's when it dawned on me, my whole life was turning into that political game. I was losing "me" for the shallow, everything-to-everyone facade I had created.

That was the first thing to piss me off.

Next, I was going through my syllabi, and the thought struck me to check the Physics class -- a weekend class -- to see if I had any books to buy. While doing this I noticed the dates, and realized that, indeed, I had booked a class the same time as the slideshow in C-Town with my friends. WTF? This pissed me off, but more at myself for letting things get past me. I prepared to write an apology letter backing out of the show, when I stopped, cursed at myself, and began to contemplate throwing things.

When I calmed down a bit, I thought a lot harder. I started doing things I told S. not to do, like make decisions in anger. Specifically, this translated to applying for certain jobs at certain rail related companies. One Orange and Black, one Yellow and Gray. Halfway through I had the presence of mind to stop and close the browser.

I knew I had to just sleep and try and get past it and get some distance between me and it, but I couldn't help it. My mind began to build on this annoyance. It was like a match being lit, and I suddenly discovered I was made of gasoline-soaked newspaper. Questions began to emerge.

Was this what I wanted for my life? Was this endless parade of nonsense why I went back to school? What do I really want? Will this get me there? How much more of such bullshit can I put up with, before I either lose myself entirely to what I consider to be the ultimate sin, being a faker, a phony?

If I continue this route, where will it lead me? Sure, I might be able to hook up with an employer and get a job straight out of college. Or I might just be back at looking at wanted ads. Originally I wanted to go to school so I could get official recognition of my abilities, because all the cool jobs I wanted -- as a writer, as a photographer, as a graphic artist, etc... required education I didn't have. But when I review my education so far, I'm not headed towards that. I'm headed towards... what I'm not quite sure. But nothing resembling any "dream" I once had.

And this career path... where does it take me? Texas? Nebraska? When I called the recruiter at the Great Yellow Father, she said something like "you do realize these positions are in Omaha, don't you?" My reply was "as long as it pays good money." Wow. Is that really me? Am I willing to turn my back on everything I value just to get employed? And *even* if I am employed, *even* if I get such a job, where am I then? Lower level management in a big company, where my hopes are what? To get into the golfing circuit with upper management and aim towards being VP of something?

There's nothing wrong with that. But is that what I want?

Not all the college experience has been bad. I've had a few kickass teachers, people who have truly inspired me as well as taught me valuable things. That was unexpected and appreciated. But the other side of the coin? Increasingly as I go through school, I feel discomfort. I feel that I am having to be someone else. Most importantly, I don't feel I belong there anymore. It's not some tangible thing that can be measured. It's a sense, like knowing home.

And in the end, isn't that really what a person wants out of life? Money, sure, fine, but to what end if you can't be where you want to be, or do what you want to do? The saying is true about money and happiness, or I'd be doing upholstery right now with Dad. But to belong, to feel that you are part of something or doing something worthwhile. It's not a touchy feely thing, it could be quite selfish in fact.

What is it I want?

I'm hesitant to say it. I don't want to say it. But I must.

I'm beginning to think this is NOT what I want.

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Great.

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Now what?