I'm just not sure

Sure it's late at night, and I'm alone, and I've got a bit of ACL sitting in a glass beside me and a bit inside of me too. But even so, is that the only reason I feel as I do right now?

There are times I wonder what the hell I am playing at. I have friends but they tend to be far from me or have such odd hours that I don't keep in close touch. I have no lovers. I have to wonder if that may ever change. I took a risk once, stepping out of my comfort zone, running from the life I knew, and it blew up in my face. Now I'm back home, and allegedly with a plan. Sure I have one. But it takes time. In the meanwhile I grow older and older, yet my life is stuck permanently around 20 years old. What the bloody fuck? It's like getting stuck in fly paper. Even as I wrack up credits, it still feels like life never changes, and I make no progress at all, except getting burnt out on things I once loved.

I got a call from my former roommate last week. Apparently Leah left him. Mind boggling. I knew it would happen eventually, sure, but wow, still. All the lives disrupted, all the damaged wreaked, on me especially but even more so on his child and family, and for what? For why? To go back to square one. I think he expects some kind of renewed friendship now, and he certainly is laying the blame all on her. "She did it again" were his words. She? SHE? As if he had nothing to do what happened? But I digress. I think he expects some kind of renewal. But for me, all I see are years that were stolen from me. I had fond memories once, but now I can't look back on that ever again without realizing what a fool i'd been made of. Should I forgive him? What would Bushido demand? Forgiveness and banishment probably. Of course strict old-style Bushido would demand seppuku; this is why I have my own code. Still. I may run into him more often. I may be asked about him. To pretend not to know him or dismiss him would be awkward. Must think on this.

Meanwhile? What about my life, the life he left me no path other than when he screwed me over? It's a choice I ought to have made years ago, and its my own damn fault its now. Still. Where do I go from here? I'm getting no younger. I'm starting to compare my progress against others again, and wonder where I am and why. Is it loneliness? Is it a lack of purpose? Is it neither?

I've given myself over to the system, but I see no more solace in this either. Everywhere I am simply an oddball, simply the one that does not fit. Am i good? Hell yes. I'm fucking exceptional. Once I'd have played all shy and modest. Why fucking bother. Honesty cuts to the quick. I'm unpolished but I'm damn good. But so what? But if ordinary meant happy...? Am I trapped between doing something great and doing something that makes me happy? I keep looking at my age and going "I ought to be *here* now and I'm not".

*sigh*

I have to stop and wonder if the goal I've set myself towards will really make me happy. I'd ask someone else's advice but honestly who would I ask? My closest friends, people I'd trust to ask the question of, aren't exactly any less lost than me. They too are finding their way still. I have no mentors to speak of. My father would not understand. My mother would listen but have no solutions. And I look around me at these same four walls and feel like nothing ever changes.

Or its just the ramblings of an increasingly more frequent drinker. Hellifino.