When is enough enough?

So here we are again.

With skoo bearing down on me a lot, I've become aware of how often I've farmed out my work, and how when I have taken it on, it's been not as good as it once was. So I decided to talk to Her about it. She thought my quality and timeliness were suffering, but that it wasn't excessive yet. Then she talked to Jim, who felt I had farmed out too much lately. She even suggested I split the column.

I feel sick.

I've been thinking about it, and it's just making it worse. The more I think about it, the more I feel they're a bunch of cheap bastards, asking me to do what I do for as little as they pay. And yet, without them, I'm broke. Face it, if I quit now, where would I be? I could survive fine off the aid money, though I wouldn't have nearly as much as I once had. And I'd be quickly forgotten. Hell, most people don't read CR, they barely know I exist to begin with. I go away? Poof. It's like it never happened, almost.

WTF am I saying? I need the piddly-ass $300. They've got me over a barrel. And I need this on my resume. Leaving in a cloud after only a year is not an option.

But neither is sharing it.

And giving more time per month doesn't buy me a damn thing, because it just means I'll be doing 50% of one month, and 50% of another, in the same time I do 100% of one. It would be exactly the same as now.

But I will *not* screw myself, screw my education, to write a fucking $300/month column.

What am I doing????

I need to just knuckle down and do the work. Yet I barely have time to, and more importantly, I barely have time to get the research done. Two out of every five working days are essentially not open to me calling contacts, or them calling me. I may just have painted myself into a corner where I have to give up one pursuit, or the other -- college, or the magazine. Have I done that? Is it really that bad? I'm losing perspective. And I know partly that this is because of midterms tomorrow. Still, still, still.

I'm considering weird shit. I'm considering bailing on it all to go work for Orangeandblackiastan. Hell, I actually looked at the UP employee opportunities listings tonight. I'm even considering funny mid-roads, like taking next term completely off, and doing an internship somewhere instead. Maybe a BNSF internship? It could be fun, and still contribute to my education, and give me some time off this routine.

I don't know. I'm babbling. Time now to stop. Midterms in morning, yeah.