Talkies, Part Two

[Aboard Southbound Amtrak Cascades 501, near Napavine, WA.]

On my way home now. Something I am of two minds on. C-Town is a pit, forever linked with rednecks, troublemakers, fast food dives, perennial losers, and lack of sanitation, On the other hand, C-Town has also been the epicenter of irresponsibility, of getting away from my normal world, being cutoff from communication and the outside. A place where trips to see PSAP in Shelton, or the BNSF over Napavine, or the MRSR in the Cascades, or to Tacoma to see Tacoma Rail and BN and UP -- or hell, even 24 hour jaunts to Seattle -- are staged. In C-Town, almost anything is possible, at the drop of a hat, with gas money.

The prairies of the Cowlitz begin to open up outside my window, as the scenery turns more and more to the familiar open savannah of home. The blog theme song just came up on the playlist. Damn last night was hard. On the edge of sleep -- deprived of it for twenty plus hours, which always makes me, a long sleeper normally, a bit edgy -- I suddenly turned my mind back to a phrase from you-know-who's's message on my phone.

"...hadn't talked to you in a while, just hoping some day you'll want to talk again."

If I were never to see him again, it would be easy. If we hadn't spent so much time together, it would be easy. But this is someone who I once used to share my fears and dreams with. Mebbe I used him as a crutch, too, I dunno. Looking back, I'm not sure. It's hard to be sure of anything.

But it wasn't what I was going to do about him -- whether I'd ever tell him how angry I was and why -- but that last part that got me. Last night, at the end of my day with something bugging me, I had no one to talk to. There was no confidant, nobody to listen, who couldn't beg off a good excuse not to. Friends? Plenty. Good friends even? Sure, I can think of a few. Some will read this. But as I learned the hard way, no friend can ever make up for the ultimate gulf in your life. I can live without friends -- though I enjoy them dearly and would not wish to give even one up. But though I can survive without them, I have them in abundance, while the one thing I can't truly be complete without, I lack.

I thought I'd grown out of this. I thought I'd grown out of being a sap.

I was wrong. It's part of who I am, and growing out of it is something I will never, ever be able to do.

And then there's school. I checked in with my financial aid online before I left, and there were mentions of loans, but no grants. I wonder if this means I don't qualify for any of them, or that there are none left for the period I wish to attend for. Suddenly I see myself going into debt, serious debt, to do this thing. Suddenly it's way more real. I know I can handle it, but now I am a lot more skeptical of my choices. So far, I'm not investing into anything that would lock me into a single degree or career. But when that time comes, should I go for communications after all? Hmm....

Decisions, decisions.