Departures & Arrivals

On the way towards the weekend, I knew that my former roommate was going to be dropping by on Sunday to bring me my mail, which he had threatened to return to sender if I didn't get in touch with him. In so many ways I felt like this was a trick, an I was angry with him -- not a new feeling, unfortunately. Then we exchanged two terse emails, which I came out the better for, as I heard no more complaints or threats from him after the exchange. But since then, all my anger has died out, the fire has gone out from me. I felt I ought to be worked up, worried, anticipating his arrival, the first time we will have seen each other in over a month, much less spoken. My fears of what I would say or do in his presence seemed to simply go numb. It's as if I couldn't bring myself to care anymore.

And then the day came. And he shook my hand, as if everything were all alright and back to normal, which it wasn't. I knew it wasn't even then. And yet, I couldn't bring myself to even *want* to say anything. It just felt all so pointless, and I was so tired of it all. In some small way, maybe I've forgiven him. Or, in some small way, maybe I've come to accept that I've learned a lesson about him -- that he wasn't who I thought he was, and that I'd been a fool to look the other way when I should have known better. To have seen what I wanted to see, and not what I had not wanted to.

So be it. In a way I've never felt before, it's over. I may see him again, talk to him again, even smile because of him again. But he will never be what he was to me before, because that person didn't really even exist.

And though it seems I ought to be sad at that -- I'm not. For some strange reason, I'm almost... happy. Is that wrong? Shouldn't it be? Things were as they were before, and yet also like they have never been.

I'm cast free.

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Meanwhile, I am packing again, as I am off to C-Town on tuesday evening to go play brakie again. Had to crash-code for one of my *ahem* "selective" web clients. The other one I lost the card for, and resultingly did not get her the information she requested until about four days had passed. She gave me a rather short email reply which felt to be a brush off, and in some ways, I almost feel glad about that. It's odd. It was like, "damn, I lost her!", but at the same time, "yes, I lost her!" I think she would have been not only a challenge from a technical standpoint but from a client standpoint too.... As it is my existing client is prolly going to freak about her bill....

Anyway. Back Monday the 6th.